Rim Job

Right On Chris.

For those of you slang-challenged:
According to google, a pimp is someone who procures customers for whores.

So learn this lesson well, my friends...
One can pimp a car, but the car cannot be pimped.
And a pimped car is never successful.

(Read More Here)

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So I'm at the bar the other night and I gotta' take a squeege......

A little background info, this place is called Peabody's, a pool hall, bar, darts emporium next to a cheese-dick club called The Palms. It's a big USF hangout where frat boys, emo posers and skanks hang out while breast enhanced servers hope to wait on the next millionaire....

Fun as hell....

.....Except that somewhere along the way, the retard known as the DJ got the idea that patrons liked him yelling along with the music. I feel like I'm listening to a combination of TRL and a fifth grade skating party. It's one thing when it's stupid hip-hop, but when he defiles Pantera's "Walk", I wanna conjure the ghost of Dimebag Darrell just to squash his annoying ass.....

But enough about my obsession over music......

Anyway, I'm in the pisser, one of those places where the guy hands you a paper towel and expects a dollar for it (I'm lazy, but fuck you homey, that's a pool game, I can get my own damn towel) and they have those ads above the urinals.. What do they have? "Fix your credit", "Consolidate your student loans", "Repair your credit today" and.........Rims

What is it with fucking rims today? Why does everybody think that you have to have mother-fucking, ignorant, gaudy, self-aggrandizing, fucking pie plates stuck in your tires? Please help me figure this one out. I go take a piss and I gotta see a picture of a hot chick leaning forward on a wall (Like a cop is about to pat her down for drugs, but Larry Flynt directed the photo shoot) with a slogan "We'll change everything but the rear view"... And they have a price list..... $3,499.99 for 24 inch rims with tires....

$3,500.00 for shiny wheel covers.... Are you fucking kidding me? Oh and I'm sure some road-head (pun intended) is gonna tell me that that's cheap.. My response: You're a fucking idiot. That doesn't justify it. I mean, what can you buy for $3500? Well, I know you could take care of your kid, maybe pay for some tuition, buy some clothes that fit and maybe invest in something long term....

Nope, gotta buy fucking rims.....

But it gets worse..... There are at least two, (2), dos, deux, however you say it places in town where rims are............ rent-to-own!!!! That's right, Tampa is hope to rent-to-fucking-own rims. This shit just floors me. I mean it's one thing to spend 3 large on rims, but to not be able to even save up the money??!!

What's the interest rate on this shit? Because you know it's steep as hell because if the customers wanted to pay off rims in installments, they'd just use a credit card.... wait, it's becoming clear to me..... the target customer probably can't get a credit card because of shitty credit history or lack of verifiable income....... Now everyone knows that I do have a couple of friends that do business on a cash basis, and that they've uh, helped me out at times.... but seriously people.... If you don't have a real job and have shitty credit, what the hell are you doing buying fucking rims??!!!

Earlier that night, I was driving to the bar from my friend's house and I seriously felt like the only guy on the road without rims. There was even a car next to me, check that, a 1992 Sedan Deville (girls, that's a 14 year old Cadillac) with tinted windows and big fucking rims. You know since the low rider thing is not as ghetto fabulous, cars have to be jacked up on low-profile tires... So I'm wondering..... hmmm..... how big, exactly, are those rims? I didn't have to think long, because there was a sticker on the window proclaming... 22"!!!!

Those rims alone cost more than the fucking car. Oh and dude had TV's in the damn headrests. I saw 'em through the tinted windows, they lit up the entire back seats... and no one was sitting there.

So on the heels of my last blog about people going through the motions, dropping a dollar here for something that matters and a small fortune on things that mean dick, I see rims. All fucking day.

Why are rims so important? Why are people under the impression that chrome makes a beater look cool? Why, why, why God? I mean, a 93 Saturn is still a 93 Saturn, regardless of whether your rims keep spinning even when the car stops. It's not cool, it's a damn traffic hazard when you pull to a four way stop with the guy who has epilepsy, he sees your wheels, has a seizure, and slams into the side of your car.....

And it's not just kids.... I saw a minivan, one of those old 1989 Ford Aerostars... you know back when minivans didn't have tinted windows and looked just like little Jetson-Mobiles..... Anyway, some 45-50 year old lady had the Wal-Mart spiners on her van. Yeah, those, 8-10 inch caps that look like shitty pinwheels covering your stock aluminum...

Why people, why? Someone please tell me wat I'm missing out on. I mean, if I were to go out and drop 3 G's on rims for the 4Runner, am I suddenly gonna get laid every night just from driving down Dale Mabry Highway?

It's just really sad that we have people complaining about the state they're in, how they can't get ahead, how life sucks, blah blah fucking blah..... yet they buy rims. I'm sorry, they might rent rims too...

And everytime I see one of these junked up, piece of shit, plastic covered, robo-wing wearing, stereo pounding, chrome adorned monstrosities, the driver looks about as arousing to the opposite sex as my dick with pus-oozing sore on the tip.

Here's some ideas for you auto-philes...

Number one: The Honda Civic is not the new muscle car. Just because you pay some guy named Axel to paint stripes on your fiberglass hood scoop and change your air filter does not put you in the same category as the baby-boomers who modified a big block in their own garage. Those things came stock with 300 horsepower, eight cylinders, and over 400 cubic inches of displacement. You're starting with something just a bit more powerful than my dad's riding mower

Number two: Rims will not get you laid. You may be able to nail that skank that works at Hot Topic, but it's probably the wine coolers you were feeding her, not your "17's" and definitely not your rendition of "SexyBack".

Number three: If your car is a piece of shit, guess what? Rims just make it a more noticeable piece of shit. That chrome reflects a lotta light, drawing all kinds of "What a douche" looks from damn near everybody who doesn't believe they're the next great white rapper. Oh and just because you have that giant Folger's can exhaust attachment doesn't do anything either. From a rational person's standpoint, your car is a visual and audio heads-up that "Some piece of shit is coming up the road". Sorry, but there is nothing that's gonna make your Pulsar sound like a Porsche (and it's pronounced Por-SHA)

Listen up fuck-monkeys. If you're still here and haven't resorted to a coloring book yet, take my advice. Save your money and try to become a productive member of society. Learn something new, travel, learn a trade, just do something other than throw money into a quickly depreciating liability.......

The only thing that's "Fast and Furious" is life passing your ignorant ass....

Don't be stupid,

Dickie